Y'all it is no joke when I say coming home makes me regress to a hormonal 15 year old. I have wandered around, slept for 12 hours a night, eaten more fruit snacks then I would like to admit, spent too much time on the couch watching food network, and listened to "I still care for you" on repeat. I've acted jaded like a moody highschool bandie who just got dumped by her shakespeare loving boyfriend of 2 weeks (Note: if that is your situation and your reading this, forgive me. I'm a school girl.)
But as much as I like to make light of my own feelings and actions, this weirdness has really affected my everyday. I knew it was deeper than jaded feelings, but I was afraid to look it in the face. It worries me. It's the monkey on my back I can't get to go away. It's the reason I didn't want to come home.
Conway is a superb distraction. Complete with a Slim Chickens AND a fantastic park. And a kazillion people to worry about and pour myself into. Basically, the park in Springdale sucks and the closest thing they have to slim chickens is a sweet little place called rocking chicken- Which is close. But sorry RC, you just don't measure up. And your floors are sticky. Most importantly there's no one here to distract me except Foxy- my annoying, overgrown lap dog.
In the middle of my confusing inner turmoil, I have been living in a time machine. I ate lunch with my kindergarten teacher at my elementary school. I drove by the house I grew up in, twice. I went through my room and heartlessly threw away almost every memory of my childhood, except for a box of nostalgia that Tina couldn't stomach getting rid of. I got a snowcone at the snowcone stand that my friends and I lived at during the summer in highschool. I read through the journals of prayers I wrote while at John Brown. I've ran around my block night after night. I've eaten more meals with Tina during this time than I have in the past year. I've sat on our back porch and prayed and cried and read.
During this entire time, I've ashamedly and confusingly felt really rebellious against the Lord. I would read truth and understand it in my brain and think about it a ton but it wouldn't affect my heart. It was almost as if my heart was hardened, and have you read the bible?! That's BAD NEWS BEARS. Needless to say the Lord is good, and he's teaching me what faith in Him to save my life really means- even when I act a hardhearted fool. Even when I feel like an unsavable ninny. Which is the basic, but if we don't have Jesus then what's the point?
I needed to come home in more ways than one. I knew I needed to. It's like knowing you need medicine and someone to take care of you. But, In your head you know that the medicine is a pill the size of your fist and it tastes like a mixture of brussel sprouts and Maalox. And you've done so well taking care of yourself. But taking the pill and letting yourself be taken care of heals you. And in the end you end up liking the taste of maalox. But who would ever admit to that.
No comments:
Post a Comment