Acid Wash Jeans

There is something surreal about taking all freshman classes as a senior. Oh dear. Did I just admit to that? I'm afraid I did.

My sociology class could be one of the more ridiculous things I've experienced in this life. My professor is a middle aged hippie who would rather be referred to as "Doug" than his more professional "Dr. George". I secretly love him for his resistance to all things professional. He wears tshirts and acid washed jeans. I wish I would have known him when he was younger in a non-creeper-I-want-to-date-my-old-man-professor sort of way. He acknowledged each of his 43 students on the first day of class. He told us that if we could just give us all a group hug and let us go that he would. Words from the mans mouth: "I'm going to come to like and love each of you". It was from that moment I decided I would love this class. Also after he said "Holla brothas!" to two 10 minute late freshies. God love the freshman. I remember being one and I hated feeling the shame of being lost and confused all the time. Yet as a senior I find myself acting like a self righteous ninny thinking to myself, "Do these ding bats have brains?!" At times (more than I would like to admit) my thoughts are ugly and rude. Please forgive me and my school girl ways. Then I forget my homework the first day of real sociology class and I'm immediately reminded of my place as a human among other humans. Suddenly I have a new found love for freshman and their confused/panicked facial expressions. Mainly because I'm wearing the same one. And because everyone needs some grace in this chaotic, confusing life.

Sometimes I still wish I was a freshman with oh so much time ahead of me. What would I even tell myself if I could jump into a rocket shaped time machine and go back in time? I would tell me to be completely honest with yourself first and foremost. Admit all. Feel all. Quit hiding from the way you feel and how you truly are. Quit trying to act like you're perfect. You're not fooling anyone except yourself, you silly banana. Plus, every time you fail is an opportunity to run to the Savior's arms. He's perfect for the both of you. Your efforts are worthless in comparison to his perfection. Isn't that refreshing and sweet in your ear? And more importantly your heart? Sister, let Him give you the freedom and love you're trying to create on your own. Dance in your underwear in your room more. No one is there, what's stopping you? Quit trying so hard to never fail. Speak up. You matter. You're worthy. You've been rescued. You're free. Love deeply and widely and fully. Cry when you feel as though you could. Eat icecream out of the carton. Don't hold those tears back, it starts to hurt your heart over time. Don't be so scared. Come to terms with your weakness, it's there for a reason. And that reason is not to hide it, even though it feels like everyone is asking you to. And even though you feel punished because of it sometimes. Don't spread yourself too thin. Be fully wherever you are. Take every opportunity to speak life into someone. Wear overalls. You know you love them. Even if it's a stranger. Don't make people feel small in an effort to make yourself feel big. Start a ridiculous ritual with the people you love. Like Friday night card tournaments or synchronized swimming lessons. Don't be afraid to know people deeply. That's where life is. The good, the bad, the ugly. Enjoy and celebrate your days and the blessings given to you. Even the blessings that hurt. Be thankful. Hug and affirm. Write letters. Be honest. Guard relationships and don't give up. They matter. Please buy a hammock. Do what you love (which is cooking, p.s. It's going to take a long road to figure that out and that's okay. You're going to learn a lot along the way that makes it worth it). Give grace and mercy every chance you get. It'll heal hearts more than you will ever know. Call your mom everyday. Find someone older than you to pour into you and be an anchor for your life. Believe everything the Lord says even when your feelings are contradictory. Be open handed. Know that you're not enough. Only there will you find yourself.

Now all I need is a rocket shaped time machine.

Delight

Dear future me,

(Yes, this is happening). Never forget today, even though it's mediocre and normal and nothing extravagant happened. Today is Saturday and you woke up at exactly 8:26 am. Your heart skipped a little because you had to be at work in 34 minutes. You looked in the mirror and prayed to God that he would stretch time because there was no way in you know where that you would have that mane tamed in the next 3 minutes. Dang it. You should have woken up 5 hours ago. Miraculously you got your hair fixed, make-up on, and clothes in 21 minutes. So you pulled your pants out of the dirty clothes and you refused to look at the back of your hair for fear of finding a gingy fuzzy mess. Ignorance is bliss in a lack-of-clean-clothes-and-good-hair-type Saturday mornings.

Just as you finished getting presentable, Autumn ran down the hall with her top knot and velvet pants and informed you she just ate the best apple she had eaten in a long, long time. You laughed not only because she was wearing velvet pants, but because she was just so excited about that apple. Plus she looked good in those pants and you kind of wished you had a pair. And then you pictured your ghetto booty in burgundy velvet and suddenly wished you couldn't picture things in your mind and swore never to buy velvet pants. You decided you were going to celebrate today.

You and Autumn jumped in the Mazda and flew downtown to your sweet little work. You just love that place. You told Autumn that you were excited about today and that it was going to be a fun day. Isn't it the best that you work with Autumn? Could you ask for a more fun situation than cooking all day with your roommate? Let me answer that. No, you couldn't. You said a prayer in your head that the Lord would give you the grace to accept His love, freedom, and blessings. You know sometimes you think you need to be punished for not being perfect, and then you remembered, "He brought be out into a wide open space. He rescued me because, He delighted in me." And just knowing that the Lord of the Universe filled delights in you up your soul like Niagra Falls falling into a plastic baby pool. Your heart nearly exploded from knowing you were loved so deeply. Remember that feeling?

You two walked into work and laughed because you realized that the entire restaurant was going to be ran by a 16 yr old, two 22 yr olds, and a 29 year old. Today was going to be. Just be. And you were excited about it.

You two made 3 pies. You burnt a whole pan of pesto bites. You hurriedly made another pan and acted like nothing happened and fist pumped Autumn at the completion. You ate 3 chips and it was all over. You needed to taste test everything in the restaurant. The soup. The whipped cream. The pie. Twice. The chicken salad. Three times. The soup again. And again. One more time? Oh okay sure I forgot what it tastes like. Wash it down with a 16 ouncer of diet coke. Repeat all the above. After eating for longer than you would ever admit, you iced that cake. And just as you were finishing your boss called to make sure you iced the cake. Thank God you stopped testing everything just in time to get checked up on by the boss. Thank you Jesus for that short lived spurt of self control.

Creed came on the radio and you danced and laughed and sang in your Creed voice.

You mopped and did dishes and laughed some more. Made lots of coffee. And then Jessica told you that your boss told her that you do a really good job at what you do. And you felt like a giddy school girl on the inside but you just smiled and nodded your head as Jess told you. And again you were reminded of that dream you've had for as long as you can remember of going to culinary school. You've wanted to go ever since you made your mom cookies when you were 6 while she was napping. You accidentally used 2 cups of salt instead of sugar. Rookie mistake. And your mom took a bite and almost threw up and you could not have been more proud.

Then work finished and you took off your apron and went to starbucks and got tea. And now here you are writing this on your couch. Wishing you were in your pajamas. Or better yet, pantsless. Who even likes pants? Not me, that's for dang sure.

Just don't forget today. Why not celebrate and remember the everyday?

Learning to love you,

Morgan