Maybe a Puppy

Being on the edge of the new year is always a bittersweet thing. I mean let's be real. New years could be one of the most anticlimactic holidays ever. Only second to arbor day. I don't blame new years. It can't help that it comes exactly one week after Christmas. It's just vanilla grey in comparison. Which is much how comparison goes, is it not?

Okay okay. So I dislike new years because it sucks in comparison to Christmas whose nostalgic feelings I still cling to even though it was a week ago. I'm done being a drama mama, for now.

But today is different in a good way, for which I'm grateful. I can't put my finger on it. I want so much for 2012.

This year has always held so much for me. The year I graduate college. The year I become an adult. The year I should have figured out what I'm doing with my life. The year I thought I would have known my soulmate by. The year I make yet another transition from fun college student to mature, working adult. From house with alot of friends to a little apartment with my working self, meager "just starting" belongings, and maybe a puppy. From a fridge full of icecream and yogurt and takeout, to a fridge of perfectly healthy, adult meals.

It's okay if you're thinking that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. It's easily one of the most ridiculous things I've ever typed. That's a lie. But it's equally as ridiculous.

This is what goes down in my mind. I have expectations of perfection for myself. Perfect hair. Perfect future plans. Perfect interactions with my perfectly maintained relationships. Perfectly decorated room and a perfect wardrobe full of fashionable clothes that make my body look, you guessed it, perfect. I expect to have a perfect job and a perfect little handle on my perfect plans for the future. I expect to be the perfect employee, roommate, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, adult. And what happens when I don't measure up you ask? I keep acting like I have it all together when I'm crumbling on the inside. It's ugly. It's the truth.

I confess this to say, I want grace for 2012. I want room to mess up, and fail, and make wrong decisions, and mourn, and heal, and love deeply, and do something crazy, and have an adventure. And not just any adventure, but an adventure full of freedom. Freedom from myself. Freedom from "should haves" and "could have done mores". Freedom of what others think of me. Freedom from the thought that the Lord is disappointed in me. I want more peace to reign in my heart than anxiety. Freedom from being hard on me. Freedom from thinking I'm in control. Freedom from thinking the Lord needs me to fix things. Freedom from my own arrogance. I want to face my opinions and feelings and stop hiding them. I want to hold the hand and hug the neck the Jesus of the bible and not the Jesus i've crafted in my brain. I want to think less of me. I want to eat more oatmeal and drink more water. I want to eat more breakfasts with my dad. I want to know true rest. I want to send more letters. I want to get to a place where I can dance and not be embarrassed by my lack of rhythm. I want to let go and fall down and surrender and break and heal and get filled up by the only One who can make this all happen. Because I can't.

Happy new years eve, friends!

Jolly Be Good

Some things in life are simply ridiculous. Going to starbucks with your shorts on backwards more times than you would like to admit. Eating popcorn and skittles and fresca for dinner. 5 days a week. Loving Jon Foreman (No, I'm not throwing you Jon Foreman lovers under the bus. I'm among you, promise. But it's time we face the truth. He's ridiculous. What am I talking about? He's great! I LOVE YOU, JON FOREMAN!!) Wearing the pants you forgot had a hole in a less than appropriate place to work. Spilling your coffee on yourself, getting a burn, and contemplating if it's worth being that girl who sues the restaurant because I just burnt myself. Sometimes anger isn't the brightest crayon in the box. Chewing 15 pieces of gum in 3 minutes. What is it about gum and self control? Like oil and water I tell you. How nail polish is one of the only things that defies age. Yes, I painted my nails red, green, and gold sparkles for Christmas. No, I'm not seven. Onesies.

Some things in life are intricately profound. Walking across a stage at a graduation. Riding a bike without training wheels. Getting an "F" on a final. The first job you love. The first night at college. Your first puppy. Christmas time. Your grandma's funeral. Sending your foreign exchange student home who has become family. Getting ready in the same bathroom as my mom. Getting a gift so beautiful it makes you cry. Someone buying your dinner unexpectantly. Laughing and dancing and whipped cream in your coffee. Almost getting into a car accident, but miraculously not. Having something long prayed for finally happen. A sweet, silent snow. One on one time with dad. When someone you've known since you were a baby has a baby. Watching your parents cry in the drive way as you go to your home in another city. A book of letters for someone you don't know. The way one feels in a beautiful dress. A list of baby names in the back of a journal just waiting to be doled out. Dinner with your brother. Watching your puppy turn into an old man dog and be sick. Weeping. Breathing. Knowing you're broken. Knowing you're loved in the face of it.

Is there a point to this? Not particularly. Sorry, this is not wrapped up with a pretty bow, truly. It bothers me almost as much as it bothers you, promise. Sometimes it's just necessary to write things down to get them out of my hamster wheel mind.

Merry Christmas, friends. Jolly be good!

Never Stopping, Never Giving Up

I need everyone who reads this (yes, all three of you) to know that I have a laundry list of half finished blog posts hiding in my inbox that have accumulated over the past month. It could be the most defeating thing ever. I'm not exactly proud of my inability to finish things, and sometimes this blog reminds me of that. One time I painted a canvas that was supposed to say "Never stopping never giving up always and forever love" but instead it says "never stopping never giving up" because I got bored. Story of my life. Come to my house. It's on the mantle. So today, in an effort to finish something and better document my life for future generations, I'm going to fill you in on life here lately.

I am officially 22 years old. Isn't it ridiculous that you can go from 21 to 22 in just one day? Am I the only one who acts like I literally change ages in 1 days time? Oh okay. Nevermind. I don't think that. It is officially winter. It snowed a week ago and I'm still not over the excitement of it. There's nothing like a good snowstorm that turns me into my giddy 7 year old self. But really. I spend my days working and schooling and enjoying being a senior in college (that's still weird 4 months later).

Side note: I don't think I've shared with the class some exciting revelations I've had about my life. A) I've come to terms with the fact that I love cooking and feeding people and the dinner table. Put those things together and I've never been so alive in my entire life. B) In the middle of the chaos and unknown of this semester the Lord gave me a job I can't get enough of. Yes I used to make more money at my job in high school. Yes I was at work at 5 am this morning and will be there at 5 am tomorrow morning. Yes I've washed more dishes than I ever wanted to in my entire life. But- I have learned so much. I get paid to make pie and be creative and feed people. I'm in love. I'm a drama mama. C) I was made to do this for this time, and It's just good for the heart to know you're at the right place at the right time.

Back to what's going on here. My last final is in the morning. Time is moving ridiculously fast. I have been listening to nothing but sleeping at last. My poor roommates. I'm learning what rest is and what life looks like without k-life in it. I got to see my bestie's baby a week ago and the child could not be more precious. She's intuitive (it feels like she knows my whole life) and smiley and loves it when her mom holds her. Let's be real. I love to see her mom holding her so it's a win win all around. She's snuggly and sweet and I can't get over her existence. Thanksgiving came and went. I gained 5 pounds in 2 days. That's got to be some kind of record. I got a job catering a Christmas dinner and I could not be more excited about it. I'm continually thankful to be living with the people I do. Life of course isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Stress has been creeping back into my life like a black cloud. Finals week seems to have that effect on my existence. You would think after 7 years of finals taking I would figure out that the Lord is still in control during this week but normally I just strive and stress alot. Which doesn't help anything.

So I have to go buy Christmas presents now and tame my fuzzy hair. Love you all, deep!