It's bananas

I know you all have come here to read the intense and life changing and spiritual revelations that I've had since spending 6 weeks at camps. That's an exaggeration but let's be honest, I expected to have some. I looked forward to the end when I could attest what God had done in my life. I also dreaded the end when I would be ripped away from a super loving and encouraging environment that I had been immersed in for 6 weeks.

So here we are. The lessons I've learned are so simple and elementary. This summer I learned the Lord loves me. I'm sure most of you are thinking, "Doy, that's the foundation of our faith". So I'm a little slow and striving. Better late than never. I always saw the Lord as a parent who always loved me but was always hoping I eventually got my stuff together. I always feared disappointing the Lord with my decisions. I always felt the need to do my best and all I could for the Lord (which is exhausting, let's be real). I began to focus more on becoming Christlike and lost my view of Christ Himself in my "helping". I feared falling away from Him. It's amazing how simply realizing the depths of the Lord's love for me freed me from the cages of those lies.

I think the biggest thing I've learned is that the Lord's love for me is unlike anything I could experience from anyone else. It's different. It's better. It's healing. It's enough. The Lord isn't sitting around "loving me" but not liking how I don't have my life together. He isn't frustrated with my inability to get things right. This summer I gave up on doing better. I gave up on trying. Period. The Lord has brought me to the absolute end of myself this year. I have worked and strived and prayed and acted and performed. I have pursued becoming more this and "working on" being more that and trying to rid myself of weakness. I'm not getting any better y'all. I realized this summer that I have pursued more excellent behavior instead of the Lord himself. I forgot that pursuing the Lord makes me more like Him and instead traded that truth for the lie that He must help me in my most exemplary efforts to become more like Him.

The Lord loves me. Period. In my weakness. In my strength. In my heart, He sees Jesus. He sees me as perfect and righteous. He's not frustrated with me. He's not angry. He's not waiting around for me to get my stuff together. In His eyes, my stuff is together, because of Jesus.

After this rollercoaster ride of being broken and then having the "trying makes me feel accomplished" rug pulled out from under me, I was left floating around in a sea of "who am I" and "I've made banana pudding for the Lord my entire life and He doesn't even like bananas!" confusion.

I'm still in that confusion a little bit. But the Lord has made it clear that He has only asked me to rest in Him. Abide in Him. Delight myself in Him. He'll do the rest. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Period. What could be more opposite of my life as of late?

So what have I been doing with my new found freedom you ask? I have been myself. I have laughed and worried a little and been a little selfish and asked for rest and received it. All grace covered. All guilt free. It's incredible.

Thank you for all the mail and encouragement and packages and prayers while I was at camp. They filled me up deep. You are LOVED. Not nearly enough by me, but hugely and without stipulation by the CREATOR of the universe. Bask in it. Eat it for dinner. Period.

Frogs and Praying

This week was confirmation, as if I needed it, that I for sure don't want to go to hell. The state of Texas experience some of it's hottest weather on record AKA it was 105 at midnight and 117 by noon. Whilst sitting on a lifeguard stand in the middle of the day my only thought was, "This aint right. Lord please bring the rapture or a snowstorm. Right now preferably." Coming off of week 10 I'm exhausted and more tan than a ginger ever should be. I don't know if It was too much sun or not enough sleep but I was reading through my journal and found some dramatacisms that should probably be shared with the class (aka whoever is reading this).

Tuesday August 2nd

"Morgan.- don't forget that above all else the Lord loves you. Also don't forget during your camper call when you and those two little girls were looking for frogs and you couldn't find and for 20 minutes. Naturally, since you guys couldn't find any frogs they wanted to go on that boat. Let's be honest, that's the last thing you wanted to do. That made you feels so selfish and it was as if you could hear everyone at camp saying in unison, "Now Morgan. It's not about you. Get on that boat." As you were walking to the boat you prayed, "Lord. I'm so tired and hot. Please help these babies find some frogs." Then you knelt down and prayed with them for frogs and sure enough you found 3- one for each of you. And it was almost as if the LORD Himself was saying "let me decide who's selfish or not". And in that moment you suddenly understood mercy."

Friday August 5

"Remember when you were with Maggie and you had that convo about sincerity and competition and how when asked to be "eager to serve" it makes the performer come out in you in full force. And if service is love but your service is out of competition to be first in hopes to not look like the "lazy, non eager counselor with no work ethic" than it is not service or love- it's a show. And suddenly that show begins to feel like truth and I get confused about true love. The Lord's love isn't a show. It's behind the scenes. It's whispered and in the background. It's the foundation not the add on. And then we talked about sincerity and how sometimes it's not "my pleasure" to do the things I do because I'm a sinner and not the Perfect One. I can't decide which is worse. Being insincere about things being my pleasure and acting like I'm 100% selfless 100% of the time or being the one who acknowledges that sometimes it's not my pleasure to serve or love because the Lord is working my selfish flesh out of me still. And then family walked up and asked us, "What happens when things aren't your pleasure anymore. What's your prayer?" and the irony of that question and timing stopped you in your tracks. And you thought to yourself, "If I were being honest things are hardly ever my pleasure but it's always the Lords JOY to serve and love us. If I identify myself with Him than it is my pleasure too even when it's not." And then the family stopped and prayed for us right then and there. Eventhough it was bedtime and 107 degrees and we were sweating bullets . They prayed that the LORD would be our focus and our joy and our service. And it was if the Lord Himself said, "Yes. It's okay to be human. Your flesh isn't what is being judged anymore. It's me within you and I'm perfect. Claim me. Always claim my perfection." Morgan. Remember that when you have those guilt ridden thoughts about your insincerity or service. You're claiming the Lord's joy of loving and serving His children."

Yes. Yes. Yes. I talk to myself in my journal. Yes the Lord is doing a mighty work this summer. Yes I have been guilt ridden about being insincere this week. Thank goodness we serve a God who is patient with my school girl tendencies. This week at camp i'm with 9 little ones under the age of 2. Start praying now. My time is short to write this and I dislike that alot. LOVE LOVE YOU ALL. Can't wait to get back and see each one of you!