Maybe a Puppy

Being on the edge of the new year is always a bittersweet thing. I mean let's be real. New years could be one of the most anticlimactic holidays ever. Only second to arbor day. I don't blame new years. It can't help that it comes exactly one week after Christmas. It's just vanilla grey in comparison. Which is much how comparison goes, is it not?

Okay okay. So I dislike new years because it sucks in comparison to Christmas whose nostalgic feelings I still cling to even though it was a week ago. I'm done being a drama mama, for now.

But today is different in a good way, for which I'm grateful. I can't put my finger on it. I want so much for 2012.

This year has always held so much for me. The year I graduate college. The year I become an adult. The year I should have figured out what I'm doing with my life. The year I thought I would have known my soulmate by. The year I make yet another transition from fun college student to mature, working adult. From house with alot of friends to a little apartment with my working self, meager "just starting" belongings, and maybe a puppy. From a fridge full of icecream and yogurt and takeout, to a fridge of perfectly healthy, adult meals.

It's okay if you're thinking that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. It's easily one of the most ridiculous things I've ever typed. That's a lie. But it's equally as ridiculous.

This is what goes down in my mind. I have expectations of perfection for myself. Perfect hair. Perfect future plans. Perfect interactions with my perfectly maintained relationships. Perfectly decorated room and a perfect wardrobe full of fashionable clothes that make my body look, you guessed it, perfect. I expect to have a perfect job and a perfect little handle on my perfect plans for the future. I expect to be the perfect employee, roommate, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, adult. And what happens when I don't measure up you ask? I keep acting like I have it all together when I'm crumbling on the inside. It's ugly. It's the truth.

I confess this to say, I want grace for 2012. I want room to mess up, and fail, and make wrong decisions, and mourn, and heal, and love deeply, and do something crazy, and have an adventure. And not just any adventure, but an adventure full of freedom. Freedom from myself. Freedom from "should haves" and "could have done mores". Freedom of what others think of me. Freedom from the thought that the Lord is disappointed in me. I want more peace to reign in my heart than anxiety. Freedom from being hard on me. Freedom from thinking I'm in control. Freedom from thinking the Lord needs me to fix things. Freedom from my own arrogance. I want to face my opinions and feelings and stop hiding them. I want to hold the hand and hug the neck the Jesus of the bible and not the Jesus i've crafted in my brain. I want to think less of me. I want to eat more oatmeal and drink more water. I want to eat more breakfasts with my dad. I want to know true rest. I want to send more letters. I want to get to a place where I can dance and not be embarrassed by my lack of rhythm. I want to let go and fall down and surrender and break and heal and get filled up by the only One who can make this all happen. Because I can't.

Happy new years eve, friends!