My sociology class could be one of the more ridiculous things I've experienced in this life. My professor is a middle aged hippie who would rather be referred to as "Doug" than his more professional "Dr. George". I secretly love him for his resistance to all things professional. He wears tshirts and acid washed jeans. I wish I would have known him when he was younger in a non-creeper-I-want-to-date-my-old-man-professor sort of way. He acknowledged each of his 43 students on the first day of class. He told us that if we could just give us all a group hug and let us go that he would. Words from the mans mouth: "I'm going to come to like and love each of you". It was from that moment I decided I would love this class. Also after he said "Holla brothas!" to two 10 minute late freshies. God love the freshman. I remember being one and I hated feeling the shame of being lost and confused all the time. Yet as a senior I find myself acting like a self righteous ninny thinking to myself, "Do these ding bats have brains?!" At times (more than I would like to admit) my thoughts are ugly and rude. Please forgive me and my school girl ways. Then I forget my homework the first day of real sociology class and I'm immediately reminded of my place as a human among other humans. Suddenly I have a new found love for freshman and their confused/panicked facial expressions. Mainly because I'm wearing the same one. And because everyone needs some grace in this chaotic, confusing life.
Sometimes I still wish I was a freshman with oh so much time ahead of me. What would I even tell myself if I could jump into a rocket shaped time machine and go back in time? I would tell me to be completely honest with yourself first and foremost. Admit all. Feel all. Quit hiding from the way you feel and how you truly are. Quit trying to act like you're perfect. You're not fooling anyone except yourself, you silly banana. Plus, every time you fail is an opportunity to run to the Savior's arms. He's perfect for the both of you. Your efforts are worthless in comparison to his perfection. Isn't that refreshing and sweet in your ear? And more importantly your heart? Sister, let Him give you the freedom and love you're trying to create on your own. Dance in your underwear in your room more. No one is there, what's stopping you? Quit trying so hard to never fail. Speak up. You matter. You're worthy. You've been rescued. You're free. Love deeply and widely and fully. Cry when you feel as though you could. Eat icecream out of the carton. Don't hold those tears back, it starts to hurt your heart over time. Don't be so scared. Come to terms with your weakness, it's there for a reason. And that reason is not to hide it, even though it feels like everyone is asking you to. And even though you feel punished because of it sometimes. Don't spread yourself too thin. Be fully wherever you are. Take every opportunity to speak life into someone. Wear overalls. You know you love them. Even if it's a stranger. Don't make people feel small in an effort to make yourself feel big. Start a ridiculous ritual with the people you love. Like Friday night card tournaments or synchronized swimming lessons. Don't be afraid to know people deeply. That's where life is. The good, the bad, the ugly. Enjoy and celebrate your days and the blessings given to you. Even the blessings that hurt. Be thankful. Hug and affirm. Write letters. Be honest. Guard relationships and don't give up. They matter. Please buy a hammock. Do what you love (which is cooking, p.s. It's going to take a long road to figure that out and that's okay. You're going to learn a lot along the way that makes it worth it). Give grace and mercy every chance you get. It'll heal hearts more than you will ever know. Call your mom everyday. Find someone older than you to pour into you and be an anchor for your life. Believe everything the Lord says even when your feelings are contradictory. Be open handed. Know that you're not enough. Only there will you find yourself.
Now all I need is a rocket shaped time machine.
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