Acid Wash Jeans

There is something surreal about taking all freshman classes as a senior. Oh dear. Did I just admit to that? I'm afraid I did.

My sociology class could be one of the more ridiculous things I've experienced in this life. My professor is a middle aged hippie who would rather be referred to as "Doug" than his more professional "Dr. George". I secretly love him for his resistance to all things professional. He wears tshirts and acid washed jeans. I wish I would have known him when he was younger in a non-creeper-I-want-to-date-my-old-man-professor sort of way. He acknowledged each of his 43 students on the first day of class. He told us that if we could just give us all a group hug and let us go that he would. Words from the mans mouth: "I'm going to come to like and love each of you". It was from that moment I decided I would love this class. Also after he said "Holla brothas!" to two 10 minute late freshies. God love the freshman. I remember being one and I hated feeling the shame of being lost and confused all the time. Yet as a senior I find myself acting like a self righteous ninny thinking to myself, "Do these ding bats have brains?!" At times (more than I would like to admit) my thoughts are ugly and rude. Please forgive me and my school girl ways. Then I forget my homework the first day of real sociology class and I'm immediately reminded of my place as a human among other humans. Suddenly I have a new found love for freshman and their confused/panicked facial expressions. Mainly because I'm wearing the same one. And because everyone needs some grace in this chaotic, confusing life.

Sometimes I still wish I was a freshman with oh so much time ahead of me. What would I even tell myself if I could jump into a rocket shaped time machine and go back in time? I would tell me to be completely honest with yourself first and foremost. Admit all. Feel all. Quit hiding from the way you feel and how you truly are. Quit trying to act like you're perfect. You're not fooling anyone except yourself, you silly banana. Plus, every time you fail is an opportunity to run to the Savior's arms. He's perfect for the both of you. Your efforts are worthless in comparison to his perfection. Isn't that refreshing and sweet in your ear? And more importantly your heart? Sister, let Him give you the freedom and love you're trying to create on your own. Dance in your underwear in your room more. No one is there, what's stopping you? Quit trying so hard to never fail. Speak up. You matter. You're worthy. You've been rescued. You're free. Love deeply and widely and fully. Cry when you feel as though you could. Eat icecream out of the carton. Don't hold those tears back, it starts to hurt your heart over time. Don't be so scared. Come to terms with your weakness, it's there for a reason. And that reason is not to hide it, even though it feels like everyone is asking you to. And even though you feel punished because of it sometimes. Don't spread yourself too thin. Be fully wherever you are. Take every opportunity to speak life into someone. Wear overalls. You know you love them. Even if it's a stranger. Don't make people feel small in an effort to make yourself feel big. Start a ridiculous ritual with the people you love. Like Friday night card tournaments or synchronized swimming lessons. Don't be afraid to know people deeply. That's where life is. The good, the bad, the ugly. Enjoy and celebrate your days and the blessings given to you. Even the blessings that hurt. Be thankful. Hug and affirm. Write letters. Be honest. Guard relationships and don't give up. They matter. Please buy a hammock. Do what you love (which is cooking, p.s. It's going to take a long road to figure that out and that's okay. You're going to learn a lot along the way that makes it worth it). Give grace and mercy every chance you get. It'll heal hearts more than you will ever know. Call your mom everyday. Find someone older than you to pour into you and be an anchor for your life. Believe everything the Lord says even when your feelings are contradictory. Be open handed. Know that you're not enough. Only there will you find yourself.

Now all I need is a rocket shaped time machine.

Delight

Dear future me,

(Yes, this is happening). Never forget today, even though it's mediocre and normal and nothing extravagant happened. Today is Saturday and you woke up at exactly 8:26 am. Your heart skipped a little because you had to be at work in 34 minutes. You looked in the mirror and prayed to God that he would stretch time because there was no way in you know where that you would have that mane tamed in the next 3 minutes. Dang it. You should have woken up 5 hours ago. Miraculously you got your hair fixed, make-up on, and clothes in 21 minutes. So you pulled your pants out of the dirty clothes and you refused to look at the back of your hair for fear of finding a gingy fuzzy mess. Ignorance is bliss in a lack-of-clean-clothes-and-good-hair-type Saturday mornings.

Just as you finished getting presentable, Autumn ran down the hall with her top knot and velvet pants and informed you she just ate the best apple she had eaten in a long, long time. You laughed not only because she was wearing velvet pants, but because she was just so excited about that apple. Plus she looked good in those pants and you kind of wished you had a pair. And then you pictured your ghetto booty in burgundy velvet and suddenly wished you couldn't picture things in your mind and swore never to buy velvet pants. You decided you were going to celebrate today.

You and Autumn jumped in the Mazda and flew downtown to your sweet little work. You just love that place. You told Autumn that you were excited about today and that it was going to be a fun day. Isn't it the best that you work with Autumn? Could you ask for a more fun situation than cooking all day with your roommate? Let me answer that. No, you couldn't. You said a prayer in your head that the Lord would give you the grace to accept His love, freedom, and blessings. You know sometimes you think you need to be punished for not being perfect, and then you remembered, "He brought be out into a wide open space. He rescued me because, He delighted in me." And just knowing that the Lord of the Universe filled delights in you up your soul like Niagra Falls falling into a plastic baby pool. Your heart nearly exploded from knowing you were loved so deeply. Remember that feeling?

You two walked into work and laughed because you realized that the entire restaurant was going to be ran by a 16 yr old, two 22 yr olds, and a 29 year old. Today was going to be. Just be. And you were excited about it.

You two made 3 pies. You burnt a whole pan of pesto bites. You hurriedly made another pan and acted like nothing happened and fist pumped Autumn at the completion. You ate 3 chips and it was all over. You needed to taste test everything in the restaurant. The soup. The whipped cream. The pie. Twice. The chicken salad. Three times. The soup again. And again. One more time? Oh okay sure I forgot what it tastes like. Wash it down with a 16 ouncer of diet coke. Repeat all the above. After eating for longer than you would ever admit, you iced that cake. And just as you were finishing your boss called to make sure you iced the cake. Thank God you stopped testing everything just in time to get checked up on by the boss. Thank you Jesus for that short lived spurt of self control.

Creed came on the radio and you danced and laughed and sang in your Creed voice.

You mopped and did dishes and laughed some more. Made lots of coffee. And then Jessica told you that your boss told her that you do a really good job at what you do. And you felt like a giddy school girl on the inside but you just smiled and nodded your head as Jess told you. And again you were reminded of that dream you've had for as long as you can remember of going to culinary school. You've wanted to go ever since you made your mom cookies when you were 6 while she was napping. You accidentally used 2 cups of salt instead of sugar. Rookie mistake. And your mom took a bite and almost threw up and you could not have been more proud.

Then work finished and you took off your apron and went to starbucks and got tea. And now here you are writing this on your couch. Wishing you were in your pajamas. Or better yet, pantsless. Who even likes pants? Not me, that's for dang sure.

Just don't forget today. Why not celebrate and remember the everyday?

Learning to love you,

Morgan

Maybe a Puppy

Being on the edge of the new year is always a bittersweet thing. I mean let's be real. New years could be one of the most anticlimactic holidays ever. Only second to arbor day. I don't blame new years. It can't help that it comes exactly one week after Christmas. It's just vanilla grey in comparison. Which is much how comparison goes, is it not?

Okay okay. So I dislike new years because it sucks in comparison to Christmas whose nostalgic feelings I still cling to even though it was a week ago. I'm done being a drama mama, for now.

But today is different in a good way, for which I'm grateful. I can't put my finger on it. I want so much for 2012.

This year has always held so much for me. The year I graduate college. The year I become an adult. The year I should have figured out what I'm doing with my life. The year I thought I would have known my soulmate by. The year I make yet another transition from fun college student to mature, working adult. From house with alot of friends to a little apartment with my working self, meager "just starting" belongings, and maybe a puppy. From a fridge full of icecream and yogurt and takeout, to a fridge of perfectly healthy, adult meals.

It's okay if you're thinking that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. It's easily one of the most ridiculous things I've ever typed. That's a lie. But it's equally as ridiculous.

This is what goes down in my mind. I have expectations of perfection for myself. Perfect hair. Perfect future plans. Perfect interactions with my perfectly maintained relationships. Perfectly decorated room and a perfect wardrobe full of fashionable clothes that make my body look, you guessed it, perfect. I expect to have a perfect job and a perfect little handle on my perfect plans for the future. I expect to be the perfect employee, roommate, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, adult. And what happens when I don't measure up you ask? I keep acting like I have it all together when I'm crumbling on the inside. It's ugly. It's the truth.

I confess this to say, I want grace for 2012. I want room to mess up, and fail, and make wrong decisions, and mourn, and heal, and love deeply, and do something crazy, and have an adventure. And not just any adventure, but an adventure full of freedom. Freedom from myself. Freedom from "should haves" and "could have done mores". Freedom of what others think of me. Freedom from the thought that the Lord is disappointed in me. I want more peace to reign in my heart than anxiety. Freedom from being hard on me. Freedom from thinking I'm in control. Freedom from thinking the Lord needs me to fix things. Freedom from my own arrogance. I want to face my opinions and feelings and stop hiding them. I want to hold the hand and hug the neck the Jesus of the bible and not the Jesus i've crafted in my brain. I want to think less of me. I want to eat more oatmeal and drink more water. I want to eat more breakfasts with my dad. I want to know true rest. I want to send more letters. I want to get to a place where I can dance and not be embarrassed by my lack of rhythm. I want to let go and fall down and surrender and break and heal and get filled up by the only One who can make this all happen. Because I can't.

Happy new years eve, friends!

Jolly Be Good

Some things in life are simply ridiculous. Going to starbucks with your shorts on backwards more times than you would like to admit. Eating popcorn and skittles and fresca for dinner. 5 days a week. Loving Jon Foreman (No, I'm not throwing you Jon Foreman lovers under the bus. I'm among you, promise. But it's time we face the truth. He's ridiculous. What am I talking about? He's great! I LOVE YOU, JON FOREMAN!!) Wearing the pants you forgot had a hole in a less than appropriate place to work. Spilling your coffee on yourself, getting a burn, and contemplating if it's worth being that girl who sues the restaurant because I just burnt myself. Sometimes anger isn't the brightest crayon in the box. Chewing 15 pieces of gum in 3 minutes. What is it about gum and self control? Like oil and water I tell you. How nail polish is one of the only things that defies age. Yes, I painted my nails red, green, and gold sparkles for Christmas. No, I'm not seven. Onesies.

Some things in life are intricately profound. Walking across a stage at a graduation. Riding a bike without training wheels. Getting an "F" on a final. The first job you love. The first night at college. Your first puppy. Christmas time. Your grandma's funeral. Sending your foreign exchange student home who has become family. Getting ready in the same bathroom as my mom. Getting a gift so beautiful it makes you cry. Someone buying your dinner unexpectantly. Laughing and dancing and whipped cream in your coffee. Almost getting into a car accident, but miraculously not. Having something long prayed for finally happen. A sweet, silent snow. One on one time with dad. When someone you've known since you were a baby has a baby. Watching your parents cry in the drive way as you go to your home in another city. A book of letters for someone you don't know. The way one feels in a beautiful dress. A list of baby names in the back of a journal just waiting to be doled out. Dinner with your brother. Watching your puppy turn into an old man dog and be sick. Weeping. Breathing. Knowing you're broken. Knowing you're loved in the face of it.

Is there a point to this? Not particularly. Sorry, this is not wrapped up with a pretty bow, truly. It bothers me almost as much as it bothers you, promise. Sometimes it's just necessary to write things down to get them out of my hamster wheel mind.

Merry Christmas, friends. Jolly be good!

Never Stopping, Never Giving Up

I need everyone who reads this (yes, all three of you) to know that I have a laundry list of half finished blog posts hiding in my inbox that have accumulated over the past month. It could be the most defeating thing ever. I'm not exactly proud of my inability to finish things, and sometimes this blog reminds me of that. One time I painted a canvas that was supposed to say "Never stopping never giving up always and forever love" but instead it says "never stopping never giving up" because I got bored. Story of my life. Come to my house. It's on the mantle. So today, in an effort to finish something and better document my life for future generations, I'm going to fill you in on life here lately.

I am officially 22 years old. Isn't it ridiculous that you can go from 21 to 22 in just one day? Am I the only one who acts like I literally change ages in 1 days time? Oh okay. Nevermind. I don't think that. It is officially winter. It snowed a week ago and I'm still not over the excitement of it. There's nothing like a good snowstorm that turns me into my giddy 7 year old self. But really. I spend my days working and schooling and enjoying being a senior in college (that's still weird 4 months later).

Side note: I don't think I've shared with the class some exciting revelations I've had about my life. A) I've come to terms with the fact that I love cooking and feeding people and the dinner table. Put those things together and I've never been so alive in my entire life. B) In the middle of the chaos and unknown of this semester the Lord gave me a job I can't get enough of. Yes I used to make more money at my job in high school. Yes I was at work at 5 am this morning and will be there at 5 am tomorrow morning. Yes I've washed more dishes than I ever wanted to in my entire life. But- I have learned so much. I get paid to make pie and be creative and feed people. I'm in love. I'm a drama mama. C) I was made to do this for this time, and It's just good for the heart to know you're at the right place at the right time.

Back to what's going on here. My last final is in the morning. Time is moving ridiculously fast. I have been listening to nothing but sleeping at last. My poor roommates. I'm learning what rest is and what life looks like without k-life in it. I got to see my bestie's baby a week ago and the child could not be more precious. She's intuitive (it feels like she knows my whole life) and smiley and loves it when her mom holds her. Let's be real. I love to see her mom holding her so it's a win win all around. She's snuggly and sweet and I can't get over her existence. Thanksgiving came and went. I gained 5 pounds in 2 days. That's got to be some kind of record. I got a job catering a Christmas dinner and I could not be more excited about it. I'm continually thankful to be living with the people I do. Life of course isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Stress has been creeping back into my life like a black cloud. Finals week seems to have that effect on my existence. You would think after 7 years of finals taking I would figure out that the Lord is still in control during this week but normally I just strive and stress alot. Which doesn't help anything.

So I have to go buy Christmas presents now and tame my fuzzy hair. Love you all, deep!

Gap teeth and trans fats

Oh goodness y'all. It has been so long. Too long, some would even say. Maybe that's just me.

Okay okay I admit I check my own blog more than anyone else does. It's like I'm checking in to see if I posted in my sleep (that's a lie). Really, I just check in to laugh at my own jokes. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm that girl.

So much has happened and changed since September 16 or whenever my last post was. My hair is longer and I'm considerably less tan. I'm wearing a sweatshirt. I have a job. I'm 2 months older (wiser). It now gets dark at 3 pm and the sun doesn't make its appearance until 10 am (Minor exaggeration. It's more like I don't make an appearance until 10 am, but that's for the world's benefit. You're welcome.) The trees are all sorts of beautiful. I can see my breath in the morning. I've stopped sweating whilst walking to class. I've been learning what it means to accept life on God's terms and not my own. It's not weird for me to be drinking hot chocolate anymore. The semester is nearly over. They put Christmas lights on the fountain at school. Merry Christmas, Y'all. I'm no longer mentoring the babies I love so much. I haven't worn my retainer in easily 3 weeks and I'm terrified my gap tooth is making a reappearance. I've stopped trying to be outdoorsy. I've been listening to nothing but Christmas music. Sorry I'm not sorry if you're offended by the joy it brings me to celebrate my Saviors birthday 4 out of the 12 months of the year. Too far? Probably. Obviously some things haven't changed. I'm still a ginger, drama mama school girl.

But really. Things have changed so very much. I feel like my life is one big transition. And I've discussed with the class how much I love transitions aka I'd rather die. But once again here we are at a big one. What on God's green earth am I going to do with my life next year you ask? Well join the club of askers. Normally I tell people things like "that's the million dollar question" or "joining the circus" or "Selling plasma" or my personal favorite "WHAT'S THIS 'GRADUATION' YOU SPEAK OF!?! I DON'T GET IT!!".

The Lord is teaching this girl who hates all things unknown the most gloriously hard lesson as of late. He has put me in a position where I don't know the future yet I love the present. I love living with these girls. I love running the crumbly streets of my neighborhood. I love dancing in the entry way. I love my sweet little cooking job. I love precious little Conway. I love drinking diet coke at 8 am with Mrs. Alicia once a week. I love dreaming about the future. I love my sewing class. I love being loved on by the people in this town. I absolutely love where I am. I long to drink up everyday like the gift it is.

But in the back of my mind there's always a nagging of "Morgan...MORgan....MORGAN!!! I know you can hear me. What are you going to do next year?! Where are going to live?! Who are you going to live with?! Are you going to be lonesome?! What if you go 3 years without a hug because you don't know anybody?!?! Are you going to survive?! Are you going to be (heaven forbid) SINGLE FOREVER?! Are you going to be that girl who owns 1,000 cats and justifies eating chicfila for every meal because they fry their chicken in peanut oil instead of that trans fat infested other nonsense?!?!?!! Are you going to have to live in a shack because you're only going to be making $3 an hour?!?! What if your car breaks down and you can't get ahold of your dad to fix it because you weren't able to pay your cellphone bill?!?! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

You laugh. Maybe you're not laughing and you just think I'm a crazy person who needs help (semi true). But these are my thoughts and fears in the midst of this joy. The Lord has been teaching me to eat his gift of the icecream cone today and to let him worry about the love handles down the road. To enjoy the smell of the rain and let him worry about the tornado. To skip class and enjoy the beautiful weather and let him worry about this quiz I missed. To float down the river and let him worry about the rapids. To celebrate Christmas from September 1- December 25th and let Him worry about December 26th. There are a million insertable metaphors here. I'll spare you.

I don't know why learning to not let the future steal my current joy is such a big deal to me. Probably because I anticipate and worry and look forward to the future more than anyone I've ever known. Probably because I've been letting the future steal my joy for years. For a lifetime. There is such freedom in enjoying today. Such richness to everyday. I don't know why I've been living anywhere but the present for so long.

But y'all. Welcome to right now. For this moment, it's a delight! For always, it's a gift.

A Lesson on Being Outdoorsy

There are things in my life that are easy to understand. Eating grass doesn't make me a cow. I get that. Easy to wrap my mind around. Getting a tan doesn't make me any less ginger. Understandable. Living in a different city than my family doesn't make me not a Thomason. Okay. Of course. Cavemen understand those things.

Sometimes I forget that wearing Chacos and nike shorts and drinking out of a camel back doesn't make me athletic, outdoorsy, and/or granola.

I was reminded of this Saturday. Let's start at the top.

I woke up bright eyed and bushy-tailed promptly at 10:30. More like groggy eyed and frizzy headed and confused but I would have rather been the former. Then my roommate and I did what my roommate and I do best. We sat outside in our pajamas. We drank coffee. We read the Word. I ate cereal. Suddenly it was 12:30. I read anxiously. I looked at my watch. I impatiently did laundry. The day dragged. I remained in my pajamas for good measure. I think I literally watched the time stop. That's dramatic. The time finally came and you best believe I was ready. Chacos on foot. Nike shorts on body. Water bottle full. A little defensive Tylenol in system for preparation.

Pinnacle Mountain is the small hill in Little Rock. Outdoorsy people like to hike it with thoughts of training for Kilamanjaro. Now, there are multiple ways to attack this bad daddy. Walk up the steps. Scale the side. Teleport (only in my dreams). The options are endless. Scratch that. Normally the options are endless. Saturday the "easy route" was closed for some reason. Some nonsense about "trail reconstruction" or something like that needing to be done. Regardless, that meant one thing: We would be going about this the hard way.

At this moment in my life I was torn between two evils. Do I let me Saturday dreams of climbing a hill and adding the accomplishment to my dreams of being outdoorsy, die? Do I let those dreams die a quiet death and just leave and eat Chipotle instead? Tempting. So very tempting.

Or.

Do I buck up and climb the harder side with everyone else instead of sitting in my car and eating a burrito? My pride had one answer. My body and tastebuds had another. My tastebuds would have won the fight if it weren't for one thing.

And that one thing is this. Who wants to be the girl who would rather eat and nap in the car when you're with 4 other people who are perfectly capable and excited about climbing the harder side? Nobody. That's who. And since I'm included in "nobody" I prepared my heart, and started trekking. And sweating. And then my legs slowly but surely turned to jello. And then I suddenly I wished I had something stronger than tylenol in my system or a ski lift. Or 8 months of training for this moment. The rapture. Something.

We made it up and down without too much trouble. Except I almost had a minor heart attack. And feared my for my life. And needed 10 hours to climb it instead of 1.5. I was left feeling like I was that girl. And what happens when you're that person? The person who needs help. The person who's not prepared. The person who struggles. The person who needs to go slower. The person who needs someone, or a herd of people to stay behind? The person who would rather just sit out than live for fear of not being able to?

I've realized something over the course of these past weeks. Everyone is that person. It gets lonely in our brain because we feel like we're the only ones at that place of being the "weak link" of life-when in reality we're all the weak link. Some are just more aware of the need. If I didn't have that deep human need for something better then there would be no need for Jesus. Or grace. Or mercy. Or others. Or all things wonderful and true and real.

Suddenly, I realized being that girl was the most precious and perfect place to be. Only there do I see my dependency on Jesus in it's truth. And embrace it. And experience real life.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says, Do not fear; I will help you"

Isaiah 41:13